Going to Capernwray still doesn't feel real

Originally written Saturday 9th September - site changed because myspace wasn't allowed on the network.

One week today and I'll be . . . well I don't know exactly what I'll be doing. Maybe hanging out with people, vainly trying to remember the names of the 180 total strangers I'll be living with; maybe sitting in the conference hall being given a run down of what's happening - although at this time of night, I hope not!!; maybe hanging out with my new roommates.

Truth is, I have absolutely no idea what I'll be doing this time next week, but I'll be doing it at Capernwray Hall near Carnforth. Just think, I get to spend the next academic year living in a 19th century country house/mansion/castle - not sure which, but it could probably pass for all of them.

I've spent a good portion of the last couple of nights trying to find the blurb I wrote for my application that explains why I wanted to go. Suppose it's just as well that I couldn't find it - it would have been edited anyway!!

At the start of this month I went on the 18's to 30's holiday at Capernwray last year and had the best holiday of my life. Not only were the activities and the food fantastic, with something to keep me occupied or the chance to chill out whenever I wanted it; but the teaching was exactly what I needed as well. Same thing when I went this year. Anyway, I had such a good time, and when they advertised the bible school itself and it sounded like just what I needed, it was a no-brainer about deciding to go.

Applying was straightforward enough. Then it came to the question: 'why do you want to come to Capernwray?' Boy did I have a list of reasons for that!

For those of you who don't know (which is probably anyone reading this), I've spent the last 11 years picking a fight with depression. Well, actually I spent the first nine of those losing the fight before I was actually diagnosed last February. Until then, I thought it was Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - Cliff Notes: got a version of that when I was 13 (thank you SATS exams - so glad they're being ditched now!!), got over it after 15 months, but the symptoms kept coming back, even though the doctors said it didn't do that. NB for the record, being diagnosed with depression made my year - it's not only treatable, but curable which made it a whole lot easier to deal with mentally.

So my health is finally being sorted out. I'm nearly off my anti-depressants. But the years I should have spent learning how to interact with other people as an adult - not to mention look after myself and my home properly - were spent being too tired to lead a normal life. My world consisted of work, sleep and periods of feeling zonked out in between (to use a technical term). I was too ill to make the most of university as well. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy my time there, and part of me thinks I probably would have gone off the rails a bit if I'd been well, but it would have been nice to join more of the societies etc.

Anyway, here I am: 24 years old and finally well enough to live my life. Problem: I DON'T KNOW HOW!!! Solution: Capernwray. I've spent the last months since applying trying not to put all my eggs into a Capernwray-shaped basket, but they seem to have ended up there anyway.

First and foremost: I'm going to Capernwray to try and sort out my relationship with God. I've been a Christian since I was about 7-9ish, I know my way around the Bible, I know the stories, I'm fairly comfortable with the major points of what I believe. But after all these years, I still don't know God very well. I know about Him, but I don't really know Him. I know He's looking after me, but the relationship feels very one-sided - and it's all on His side - and it's all my fault. I need to get to Him and His word better.

Second: I'm going to Capernwray to learn how to look after myself. The days are all structured and whilst there's free time, the students are all required to help maintain the house and grounds as well as day to day cleaning etc. So I can finally get into a routine where I look after myself and learn how to look after a home. (OK, OK, the chances of me living in a castle permanetly are pretty remote, but the skills will be handy!!)

Third: I'm going to Capernwray to learn how to live. Close-quarters with 180 students + staff, all of varying ages, backgrounds and nationalities. I'll have to learn how to be sociable and hang out with people otherwise I'll go out of my mind. Plus there's always things to do (aside from work!), so I'll learn how to make the most of time instead of just giving into sticky-bed-itis.24 and I'm only just starting to live my life. Maybe that's why it doesn't feel real. I can't imagine what that's like.

For my family, my friends, Glenbrook Christian Fellowship who are supporting me, and for anyone who stumbles across my babblings, I'll be keeping this blog (hopefully on a regular basis) to keep a record of my time at Capernwray: to keep the memories and to see how I'm getting on with my three reasons for going.I know I'll have a great time. I know it will be unlike anything I've ever done before.

Beyond that, I have no idea what the next year has in store.

Care to find out? Stay tuned!!

If you want to have a look at and find out about my new home, go to www.capernwray.org and click on Capernwray Hall in England.