Sunday 27th September
Slept very well last night – I think I only woke up once before I should have. It was interesting sharing the bathroom with five other girls. The system appeared to be first come, first served with courtesy thrown in as well. No fallings out though so we’re doing well. Breakfast was . . . crowded. When we arrived for dinner last night, the coach from London hadn’t arrived so a third of the people didn’t come in till partway through. This morning though . . . FULL HOUSE!! Slightly crazy & pretty noisy but the porridge pot was there so I really didn’t mind. Porridge was a bit runnier than on the holidays, but it’s still the best I’ve had – hence the mention.
There’re so many people!! I sat with the girls in my room at breakfast, but there was still at least one person at the table who I’d not spoken to. There’s been new faces nearby each time I’ve sat down and whilst I know I’ll get to know them before very long, it still feels a bit overwhelming – but not in a bad way. I think because I’ve been in situations like this before, like at uni and even here on the holidays, I’m not stressing about learning everyone’s name (fortunately everyone’s been asked to wear a name badge for the first week), just trying to remember the ones I’ve been told.
I’ve already had one offer of a visit to America: one of the girls I sat with at dinner last night said she was from Grand Rapids, Michigan, at which I promptly said I was jealous (in a healthy, Christian way!). My brother and I grew up listening to Uncle Charlie on the Children’s Bible Hour (“Box 1, Grand Rapids, Michigan and the zip is 49501”) and Zondervan and quite a few of the major Christian media companies seem to be based there. When I explained this, I was promptly told I’d have to go and visit. She’d better be careful, or I just might take her up on that!
One of my roommates discovered that she had some post already, so on a whim I went to see if I did. One of the girls who was a volunteer on staff during the 18-30’s week got talking with me on a walk we did on the Sunday and she’d left me a note! It’s now sitting in my bible at the verse that she marked: Psalm 42:11 ‘Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God.’ I was downcast before I came – packing was a nightmare (and I discovered last night that I managed to mess it up!) – and my life has been on hold for so long with health issues etc. yet there I was in the days before coming, waiting for life to start happening again. That’s the thing about getting over my depression: my counsellor got me to look at what goes through my mind whenever I have what I lovingly refer to as a meltdown; so now whenever I feel down or life gets on top of me, I look at what’s going on to try and mentally get past it. Whilst there’s nothing wrong with that and it is very practical, it’s relying on myself – which is destined to fail. One of the things I need to learn here is not only to put my hope in God, but my trust as well; and KEEP them there.
Just had the morning service. Services on Sunday, lectures during the week.
Rob Whittaker spoke on John 1:40-42 using a music video by The Killers: Are we human or are we dancers? The song comes from a quote by Hunter S. Thompson ‘America is raising a nation of dancers’ – which wasn’t a complement. People are being raised as marionettes wearing masks: they’re controlled by forces outside of them and are afraid to say ‘this is who I am; this is what I’m struggling with.’
Jesus answers that in verse 42 where He says to Simon:
You are Simon . . . I know who you are – I know you better than you know you; I will explain you to you!
. . . son of John. I know where you are coming from – the good, the bad & the ugly
You will be called Cephas (which when translated, is Peter). I know what I can make you! I can see what you can’t see i.e. the finished product when I start working in your life
This was all punctuated by a Jonny Diaz music video: More Beautiful You – which I couldn’t help wishing I’d seen when I was 14.
I have a stone in my bible case now. There was a stone on each chair when we went in this morning. Carolyn (who runs the outreach) asked the question: how much work would it take to make that stone smooth? Then, how much work would it take to make me smooth? What needs refining in my life? What do I need to learn? Then after communion, the idea was that we give that to God and place our stone at the foot of a large wooden cross that had been set up at the front.
That’s why I came here: there’s a lot that needs working on and refining in my life. Whilst I don’t know all the specifics, God does and I came here to let Him do that and shape me into the person He created me to be.
Carolyn said that the Holy Spirit is a Gentleman and He won’t force His way into our lives: we have to let Him work in us. So I put a stone at the foot of that cross and said ‘here I am God, all Yours,’ now I just have to try and keep that mind frame – hence the stone in my bible cover.
One of the other questions Carolyn asked at the start of the illustration was ‘is there a gift you have that you’ve been hiding and do you need to step out in faith and confidence?’ Answer: yes. So tonight when it’s my turn to say the four things, I will actually be saying: I’m Hannah, I’m from England and before Capernwray I was an Egyptologist working in a bank and when I leave, unless God points in a different direction, I’m going to be a writer. (This is the part where my parents start panicking, but I’ve got a year to work on it and make it happen.) It feels right in the same way that coming to Capernwray felt right.
Rob quoted a friend of his in his talk: ‘If you don’t get something on a Sunday that you can use before you hit the car park – ask for your money back.’
No refunds so far.
Sunday, 27 September 2009
First Day
How weird does it sound if I say that this still doesn’t feel real? As I write this, I’m sitting on my bed in my room at Capernwray, thinking back to last night and how it felt unreal.
Saturday 26th September
My parents dropped me off at about four. Dad had never seen the place and one of the last things he said before they left was “It’s a lovely place; I’m glad you’re here.”
I’ve got one of the new rooms around the courtyard, opposite the Beehive. Nice and near the coffee shop, outside of the main house so there’ll be a sense of getting away from it all if I need it (thank you, God!!) and because it’s new, we have our own en-suite bathroom!! Well, it’s more of a shower room because there’s no bath, but anyway – I really need to stop being so finickity!! There’re six of us in this room: two Dutch girls, one Swiss, one Australian and one Canadian if she arrives. No sign at time of writing.
There was a handbook for each of us when we arrived – I finally have more of a clue about the syllabus!! Said handbook also came with two Quality Street (did I mention how much I liked this place?) and a little card written and signed by two of the staff families. I think the ones who signed my card are going to be leading the small groups I’m in.
Rob Whittaker, the principle, gave a bit of a welcome last night in the lounge. Now, the lounge is a pretty big room, very impressive to look at. But when you’re trying to fit 180 students plus a load of the staff into it, it suddenly becomes very cosy. I heard on the holiday that they were expecting 180 for winter school. It turns out we have 18 nationalities (and yes, I am in an ethnic minority – not that I’m complaining!) represented by 123 women and 57 happy men. Rob’s words. The reason we know that’s true is that when he announced there were 123 women, one of the happy men started applauding – to the amusement of all and even agreement of others!
Sitting there, trying to stay conscious (hey, big day and I was tired to begin with!), I wondered why it felt unreal. I think it’s because with it being the first day the schedule was fairly lax, which is a good thing when you’ve got 180 people arriving and settling in at random times during the day. It’s the same on the holidays but I keep forgetting that. When things get going on Monday and maybe even tomorrow, it’ll probably start to feel all too real!
When we meet tomorrow evening, we each have to stand up and say who we are, which country we’re from, what we did before and what we want to do after Capernwray. For those of you who don’t already know: I’m Hannah, I’m from England and before Capernwray I was an Egyptologist working in a bank and when I leave I hope to be a writer – although while I’m here I’m also hoping to get ideas of a more practical fallback option.
Saturday 26th September
My parents dropped me off at about four. Dad had never seen the place and one of the last things he said before they left was “It’s a lovely place; I’m glad you’re here.”
I’ve got one of the new rooms around the courtyard, opposite the Beehive. Nice and near the coffee shop, outside of the main house so there’ll be a sense of getting away from it all if I need it (thank you, God!!) and because it’s new, we have our own en-suite bathroom!! Well, it’s more of a shower room because there’s no bath, but anyway – I really need to stop being so finickity!! There’re six of us in this room: two Dutch girls, one Swiss, one Australian and one Canadian if she arrives. No sign at time of writing.
There was a handbook for each of us when we arrived – I finally have more of a clue about the syllabus!! Said handbook also came with two Quality Street (did I mention how much I liked this place?) and a little card written and signed by two of the staff families. I think the ones who signed my card are going to be leading the small groups I’m in.
Rob Whittaker, the principle, gave a bit of a welcome last night in the lounge. Now, the lounge is a pretty big room, very impressive to look at. But when you’re trying to fit 180 students plus a load of the staff into it, it suddenly becomes very cosy. I heard on the holiday that they were expecting 180 for winter school. It turns out we have 18 nationalities (and yes, I am in an ethnic minority – not that I’m complaining!) represented by 123 women and 57 happy men. Rob’s words. The reason we know that’s true is that when he announced there were 123 women, one of the happy men started applauding – to the amusement of all and even agreement of others!
Sitting there, trying to stay conscious (hey, big day and I was tired to begin with!), I wondered why it felt unreal. I think it’s because with it being the first day the schedule was fairly lax, which is a good thing when you’ve got 180 people arriving and settling in at random times during the day. It’s the same on the holidays but I keep forgetting that. When things get going on Monday and maybe even tomorrow, it’ll probably start to feel all too real!
When we meet tomorrow evening, we each have to stand up and say who we are, which country we’re from, what we did before and what we want to do after Capernwray. For those of you who don’t already know: I’m Hannah, I’m from England and before Capernwray I was an Egyptologist working in a bank and when I leave I hope to be a writer – although while I’m here I’m also hoping to get ideas of a more practical fallback option.
Going to Capernwray still doesn't feel real
Originally written Saturday 9th September - site changed because myspace wasn't allowed on the network.
One week today and I'll be . . . well I don't know exactly what I'll be doing. Maybe hanging out with people, vainly trying to remember the names of the 180 total strangers I'll be living with; maybe sitting in the conference hall being given a run down of what's happening - although at this time of night, I hope not!!; maybe hanging out with my new roommates.
Truth is, I have absolutely no idea what I'll be doing this time next week, but I'll be doing it at Capernwray Hall near Carnforth. Just think, I get to spend the next academic year living in a 19th century country house/mansion/castle - not sure which, but it could probably pass for all of them.
I've spent a good portion of the last couple of nights trying to find the blurb I wrote for my application that explains why I wanted to go. Suppose it's just as well that I couldn't find it - it would have been edited anyway!!
At the start of this month I went on the 18's to 30's holiday at Capernwray last year and had the best holiday of my life. Not only were the activities and the food fantastic, with something to keep me occupied or the chance to chill out whenever I wanted it; but the teaching was exactly what I needed as well. Same thing when I went this year. Anyway, I had such a good time, and when they advertised the bible school itself and it sounded like just what I needed, it was a no-brainer about deciding to go.
Applying was straightforward enough. Then it came to the question: 'why do you want to come to Capernwray?' Boy did I have a list of reasons for that!
For those of you who don't know (which is probably anyone reading this), I've spent the last 11 years picking a fight with depression. Well, actually I spent the first nine of those losing the fight before I was actually diagnosed last February. Until then, I thought it was Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - Cliff Notes: got a version of that when I was 13 (thank you SATS exams - so glad they're being ditched now!!), got over it after 15 months, but the symptoms kept coming back, even though the doctors said it didn't do that. NB for the record, being diagnosed with depression made my year - it's not only treatable, but curable which made it a whole lot easier to deal with mentally.
So my health is finally being sorted out. I'm nearly off my anti-depressants. But the years I should have spent learning how to interact with other people as an adult - not to mention look after myself and my home properly - were spent being too tired to lead a normal life. My world consisted of work, sleep and periods of feeling zonked out in between (to use a technical term). I was too ill to make the most of university as well. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy my time there, and part of me thinks I probably would have gone off the rails a bit if I'd been well, but it would have been nice to join more of the societies etc.
Anyway, here I am: 24 years old and finally well enough to live my life. Problem: I DON'T KNOW HOW!!! Solution: Capernwray. I've spent the last months since applying trying not to put all my eggs into a Capernwray-shaped basket, but they seem to have ended up there anyway.
First and foremost: I'm going to Capernwray to try and sort out my relationship with God. I've been a Christian since I was about 7-9ish, I know my way around the Bible, I know the stories, I'm fairly comfortable with the major points of what I believe. But after all these years, I still don't know God very well. I know about Him, but I don't really know Him. I know He's looking after me, but the relationship feels very one-sided - and it's all on His side - and it's all my fault. I need to get to Him and His word better.
Second: I'm going to Capernwray to learn how to look after myself. The days are all structured and whilst there's free time, the students are all required to help maintain the house and grounds as well as day to day cleaning etc. So I can finally get into a routine where I look after myself and learn how to look after a home. (OK, OK, the chances of me living in a castle permanetly are pretty remote, but the skills will be handy!!)
Third: I'm going to Capernwray to learn how to live. Close-quarters with 180 students + staff, all of varying ages, backgrounds and nationalities. I'll have to learn how to be sociable and hang out with people otherwise I'll go out of my mind. Plus there's always things to do (aside from work!), so I'll learn how to make the most of time instead of just giving into sticky-bed-itis.24 and I'm only just starting to live my life. Maybe that's why it doesn't feel real. I can't imagine what that's like.
For my family, my friends, Glenbrook Christian Fellowship who are supporting me, and for anyone who stumbles across my babblings, I'll be keeping this blog (hopefully on a regular basis) to keep a record of my time at Capernwray: to keep the memories and to see how I'm getting on with my three reasons for going.I know I'll have a great time. I know it will be unlike anything I've ever done before.
Beyond that, I have no idea what the next year has in store.
Care to find out? Stay tuned!!
If you want to have a look at and find out about my new home, go to www.capernwray.org and click on Capernwray Hall in England.
One week today and I'll be . . . well I don't know exactly what I'll be doing. Maybe hanging out with people, vainly trying to remember the names of the 180 total strangers I'll be living with; maybe sitting in the conference hall being given a run down of what's happening - although at this time of night, I hope not!!; maybe hanging out with my new roommates.
Truth is, I have absolutely no idea what I'll be doing this time next week, but I'll be doing it at Capernwray Hall near Carnforth. Just think, I get to spend the next academic year living in a 19th century country house/mansion/castle - not sure which, but it could probably pass for all of them.
I've spent a good portion of the last couple of nights trying to find the blurb I wrote for my application that explains why I wanted to go. Suppose it's just as well that I couldn't find it - it would have been edited anyway!!
At the start of this month I went on the 18's to 30's holiday at Capernwray last year and had the best holiday of my life. Not only were the activities and the food fantastic, with something to keep me occupied or the chance to chill out whenever I wanted it; but the teaching was exactly what I needed as well. Same thing when I went this year. Anyway, I had such a good time, and when they advertised the bible school itself and it sounded like just what I needed, it was a no-brainer about deciding to go.
Applying was straightforward enough. Then it came to the question: 'why do you want to come to Capernwray?' Boy did I have a list of reasons for that!
For those of you who don't know (which is probably anyone reading this), I've spent the last 11 years picking a fight with depression. Well, actually I spent the first nine of those losing the fight before I was actually diagnosed last February. Until then, I thought it was Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - Cliff Notes: got a version of that when I was 13 (thank you SATS exams - so glad they're being ditched now!!), got over it after 15 months, but the symptoms kept coming back, even though the doctors said it didn't do that. NB for the record, being diagnosed with depression made my year - it's not only treatable, but curable which made it a whole lot easier to deal with mentally.
So my health is finally being sorted out. I'm nearly off my anti-depressants. But the years I should have spent learning how to interact with other people as an adult - not to mention look after myself and my home properly - were spent being too tired to lead a normal life. My world consisted of work, sleep and periods of feeling zonked out in between (to use a technical term). I was too ill to make the most of university as well. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy my time there, and part of me thinks I probably would have gone off the rails a bit if I'd been well, but it would have been nice to join more of the societies etc.
Anyway, here I am: 24 years old and finally well enough to live my life. Problem: I DON'T KNOW HOW!!! Solution: Capernwray. I've spent the last months since applying trying not to put all my eggs into a Capernwray-shaped basket, but they seem to have ended up there anyway.
First and foremost: I'm going to Capernwray to try and sort out my relationship with God. I've been a Christian since I was about 7-9ish, I know my way around the Bible, I know the stories, I'm fairly comfortable with the major points of what I believe. But after all these years, I still don't know God very well. I know about Him, but I don't really know Him. I know He's looking after me, but the relationship feels very one-sided - and it's all on His side - and it's all my fault. I need to get to Him and His word better.
Second: I'm going to Capernwray to learn how to look after myself. The days are all structured and whilst there's free time, the students are all required to help maintain the house and grounds as well as day to day cleaning etc. So I can finally get into a routine where I look after myself and learn how to look after a home. (OK, OK, the chances of me living in a castle permanetly are pretty remote, but the skills will be handy!!)
Third: I'm going to Capernwray to learn how to live. Close-quarters with 180 students + staff, all of varying ages, backgrounds and nationalities. I'll have to learn how to be sociable and hang out with people otherwise I'll go out of my mind. Plus there's always things to do (aside from work!), so I'll learn how to make the most of time instead of just giving into sticky-bed-itis.24 and I'm only just starting to live my life. Maybe that's why it doesn't feel real. I can't imagine what that's like.
For my family, my friends, Glenbrook Christian Fellowship who are supporting me, and for anyone who stumbles across my babblings, I'll be keeping this blog (hopefully on a regular basis) to keep a record of my time at Capernwray: to keep the memories and to see how I'm getting on with my three reasons for going.I know I'll have a great time. I know it will be unlike anything I've ever done before.
Beyond that, I have no idea what the next year has in store.
Care to find out? Stay tuned!!
If you want to have a look at and find out about my new home, go to www.capernwray.org and click on Capernwray Hall in England.
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